And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
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I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
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There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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