I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize