Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
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We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
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Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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