I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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