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I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
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