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Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
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