i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
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Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
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THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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