6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
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Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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