fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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