the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
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