I wish I could teleport
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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