Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
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she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
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it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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