Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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