She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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