I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
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Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
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The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Come share oat with me in your robe
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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