Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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