I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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