My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
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Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
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its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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