Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
