I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize