bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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