There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
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I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
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No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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