Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
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If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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