Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize