I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
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You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
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You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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