Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
