Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
