The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
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The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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