the condom got lost in my hair
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
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Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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