u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
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I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
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