Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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