They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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