We won't sleep together?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
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He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
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I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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