I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
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