I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
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I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
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I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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