You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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