I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
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You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Drunk is a universal language darling
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