Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize