She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
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Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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