Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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