Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
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You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
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Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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