Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
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She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
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Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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