She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
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Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
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I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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