walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
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It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
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New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize