i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
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You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
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Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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