Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
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I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
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Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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