so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
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So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize