Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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