Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
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Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
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Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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