i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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