the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
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My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
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I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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